Pages

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

"Whatcha Gonna Do When Hulkamania Skeet Skeet Skeets All Over You!?!?!"

Have you heard about the Hulk Hogan sex tape?... No, I'm serious. There's one out there. It's being pitched to some adult entertainment distributors for a release. Still don't believe me? Take a look at a few of the leaked screenshots, courtesy of TheDirty.com.




There is also a little controversy as to who the woman in the video is that is laying down and doing the job for the Hulkster. When I say job, I don't me putting him over - even though she technically is. I mean handjob, blowjob, footjob, or whatever gets his little Hulkamaniac pumped up. Apparently there are rumblings that the woman in the video is Heather Clem, the wife of Hogan's best friend Bubba The Love Sponge. There still has yet to be any confirmation if the woman is in fact her, or who the identity of the woman actually is. But regardless, you asked for one more match - and The Hulkster is here giving it to you...or at least giving it to her.

The screencaps prove two things - 1) There really is a Hulk Hogan sex tape, and 2) The quality of the tape is going to be as shitty as that green glow in the dark footage Paris Hilton leaked out of herself. So what would make this video worth the time to watch? Here's a short wish list.

Maybe when Hogan enters the bedroom, he can come into the bedroom with his "Real American" theme song playing. Before he hits the bed, he can cup his ear with his hand and put it against the wall to make sure that Bubba isn't coming home yet. Then as he approaches the bed, he can do the signature tearing of his T-shirt...and what do you know? His underwear is tear away too!

Hogan was notorious for not having a huge skill set in the ring. He was one of the older guys who was known to have about three moves in all his matches. Makes me wonder if he has more moves to showoff in the bedroom. Also makes me wonder if he has creative control in the sack. Maybe heather... or um, unidentified slut says, "Hey Hulk, I have a move I saw in a porn that I wanna try on you...", then in mid-sentence, he cuts her off and says, "Na. I'm not feeling that. You're gonna kill my heat".

You think she was even allowed to suggest a finish? Like after putting him over the entire time like he's some twenty year old stud, maybe Hulk would let her design the climactic finish?...Probably not! I don't think so. Hulkster must have stopped her thought process and gave her the basic set up.

"Look Sugar-Tits, here's how we're gonna take it home. Get your shit in and I'll sell for you. Then when I'm about to make my cum-back (or cum on your back), I do this thing where I huff and puff and start to shake. I like to call it 'Hulking Up', but after I blow my load, it'll be more like 'Hulking Down'. Then I'm gonna stiff you three times with my cock, shoot you off the ropes, make you eat the big boot and finish you off with the legdrop for the three count. I promise you, my sex isn't any better than my matches."

Now if the DVD distributor can promise me that is EXACTLY what I'm gonna be seeing, then you have a copy sold! Just tell me where to send the check! But if it's all bad quality and I gotta listen to Hogan remind Heather that he's the greatest of all time and that his three commandments are "Say your prayers, Gulp down my creamy protein shake, and don't tell your husband" - then I might not be as inclined to spend twenty valuable minutes of my life. Although, if she comes back and says something like, "You said your python was 24 inches long! The last time I saw a penis this small, Ric Flair was on running up and down the aisle of an airplane wearing just his robe".

There's no release distributor or release date yet - and there is no word on if TNA Wrestling is going to help promote the product. Spike TV would be a perfect place for it. have you seen some of their programming? Plus, their primary demographic are men who run up their credit cards on pron and Girls Gone Wild videos, and their name is Spike - a pet name Hogan has for his deflating penis. While I can't confirm this yet, there are rumors that Eric Bishoff may have a cameo on the video where he roots Hogan on and makes sure that the camera isn't picking up shots of his receding hairline. I think Garrett Bischoff might be the one operating the video camera as well, but again - no confirmation at this time.

In the meantime, look out for the first official promo where Hogan declares, "Whatcha Gonna Do When Hulkamania Skeet Skeet Skeets All Over You!?!?!"

No comments:

Post a Comment